Lately life has had me by the horns. It has been full of disappointment, rejection, and hurt. Despite the fact that this should be such a happy time, moving home to Colorado, a new beautiful baby boy and of course Keelie being a simple blessing in my life, it hasn't been. I finally came to the conclusion that I was allowing the actions of other people, be it friends or family and even strangers to affect how I was feeling. Yes I know this shouldn't be, but ha ha easier said then done. I created this blog in hopes that family and even friends would join, read what our family is up to and maybe even comment on our everyday happenings. Why you ask, because this is important to me, it is nice to know people may actually care.Virtues I'm trying so very hard to instill in my children, the pride of family, selflessness , and simple caring for each other. As unimportant as a simple blog may seem a little effort goes a long way. But it seems now days everyone is so wrapped around themselves its to much to ask for that little bit of effort. I'm not sugar coating here, and frankly am not worried about hurting any ones feelings. In the past not many people have seemed to care about hurting mine.
My daughter has grown immensely in the past few years. Everyday she is exploring new adventures both good and bad. My son has grown so fast I'm afraid to blink, he is a whole new world compared to his sister. Somethings I'd love to share with anyone willing to listen. Over the past few years that list of people caring has grown smaller and smaller.
Everyone has an excuse. The miles between us, dislike of your family , how so busy you are ect. ect. Funny though, I've closed those miles between me and some people, yet there's even less communication now then when I was farther away. I'm busy as hell, I finally know whats its like to not have enough hours in a day, but I still find time to talk to the people who want to talk to me.Yes I could do more, but I at least try some. I'm told a lot that I can always call or stop by, well ya know it goes both ways. I can count on 1 hand the amount of times some have seen my son. I'm finding I can't say its everyone- just certain people - me being one of them, that isn't so important to the rest. I walk on egg shells, or pretend to be someone else so I can be liked more, only to seem as if I'm not liked at all.Or only called when they need something.
I'm sitting here tonight, in another "self pity" mood. Hoping to god my hormones will go back to normal soon and I will stop feeling this way. Its amazing and yet sad at the same time that I find myself in these moods lately following my bio class. A class of 24 "adults" who in one way or another can act so beyond childish,catty, and just plain mean. I thought high school was where all this crap happened, not the real world. Yet I seem to re-enter high school every time I go. I hated high school- nothing about high school was a positive for me. I wasn't "cool" or a "nerd" or really part of any group. Maybe " loser" is the term they used in high school. I had a lot of friends- well at least I thought, but I'm lucky if even a couple of them speak to me now-a-days. Now don't get me wrong I know everyone grows up , some move away, have busy lives of their own, but I always like to think I make friends for life. Instead the friends I've made for life are the ones the army's many moves have blessed me with, one of whom has become one of the greatest friends or as I like to call her framily, a girl could ask for. There are a few people I talk to now and then but none of them "close" friends.
Now if you ask anyone who really knows me, I would drop anything to help my friends and family. I would give every penny I had or even the shirt off my back- ok well maybe not the shirt off my back cause that just wouldn't be a pretty sight!But I'm there if someone needs me.I worry about every word that comes out of my mouth, for fear of hurting someones feelings or saying the wrong thing. I tried very hard in to get everyone to like me, yes I know not everyone will like you, but I can sure try can't I. Instead I end up the opposite. The last one picked for the team, if I'm even picked at all. I'm not invited to celebrate peoples birthdays, or to friends weddings or baby showers. If I am its because I'm the one throwing the event. If I'm lucky enough to attend an event, I meet a ton of people, 9 times out of 10 the person next to me ends up with 10 new friends and I haven't a single one. I've questioned my looks, my personality everything I can think of, people always tell me that doesn't matter, but seriously lets compare..........
one of my lab partners shes tall, skinny, sorta pretty----- me I'm short, fat and I'll stop there( I'm not nice to myself) anyways 3 guys in our group- 3 months together and tonight I find out they don't even know my name, however the other girl- of course they know her name, they question every time shes gone, call her beautiful girl, yada yada - hopefully you get the picture.When do I get to be part of the "freakin cool" people? What in gods name determines "cool"? Are my looks not good enough to fit in the important club? Who is it that decides these things and why can't I have a god damn ticket to the club? Why am I not important enough to get an invite, or see when you come to town, make plans with, what makes you so much cooler then me?- god I could go on, but get no-where. I find little comfort in knowing I'm not the only person who goes thru this because I feel as if no one should.
Everyone tells me I'm wonderful, i have beautiful children ect ect. My children are beautiful and I hope I can instill in them what I cant seem to find for myself. But at the same time my children are not "me" , please don;t take that the wrong way, my kids are my whole life but I don't want people to like me because my children are amazing and beautiful. I'd like for people to like me for me, and not say they do then talk behind my back-
I have always thought the actions of men the best interpreters of their thoughts. ~John Locke
To be honest I don't want to be "cool". My children think I'm the coolest person in the world and to me that is enough. What I want is to be taken for who I'am. To be acknowledged, invited, considered important. For people to give a damn, about every aspect of me and my life and to show they give a damn. Not once in a blue moon when it's convenient..
Someone I love dearly, who has taught me so much, yet also made me question a lot of things about life will be leaving my life sooner then later. It hit me hard when I learned that she knew all too well the not so nice( and I'm being nice) things going on with the people surrounding her. She has done so much for a lot of people through her life and I for one will be the first to be there for her. The reality of life has been shoved in my face, yes we are all born and then we all die. But what does it all mean, what is truly the meaning and purpose of life. I'm not religious and not even going there, but these thoughts just push even more my feelings towards friends, and family. I will instill in my children just how important this all is and as for everyone else the ball is now in their court................
