Funny Tummy!

For the longest time now we have joked about how funny Deklans tummy looks. You know the kids you see on the tv commercials from other countries with the big round worm bellies, well we always jokingly told dek he had one of those! Granted he does have a big belly , his short chubby stature aids in that but if you look closer his tummy is a bit off shape and that we learned today is from a hernia( diastasis recti).he had a belated 18month well baby check up and the Dr discovered it ( funny they haven't before) Luckily it's what's termed a "reducible" hernia so eventually after his tummy muscles become stronger and develope better it will go away! So all in all the poor guy does have a few reasons his belly looks so funny, but as his amazingly loving parents we will prob still tease him..... For a while longer anyways! It's all out of love!

Proud Moment!!

I know a day late but I'm still so very very proud. Although Keelie could have rocked ALL of her dances yesterday she did FINALLY move up to beginner 2 in one of her dances. The Slip Jig- one of the harder dances... Go figure my stubborn child had to do the hard dances first!! She has been doing feis's for a year now and always done well for how young she is but she never had enough kids in her competition to move up to the next level ( Irish dance is confusing- if u don't get it ill explain someday!!). Anyways I'm sooooo proud of her for finally doing it!! Now she's finally in the "running" !! She's been working hard and practicing a lot without being reminded- she wants that's solo dress and in due time- if she had her way like now!....... But moms way will be awhile from now..........she will get one!!! Sooo yay Keelie-  soooo proud!!

Blessings

B..L..E..S..S..I..N..G..S.  that is what my children are. I have spelled it out I can even put a definition if you would like so that maybe just maybe someday those who need to understand it will get it. Why oh why are people so selfish? How can people be that way. If you are family then for gods sake act like it. The door has been open for soooo long. The opportunity to make an effort to be there 100 percent of the way has been given over and over again. 2 children who have brought the biggest brightest happiness to my life, to my husbands life to anyone around thems lives and yet people still choose not to be a part of it. When your blood it's suppose to mean something. Apparently I've got that all wrong. If your reading this and feeling guilty then take note. It's one thing to lie to me or to will but its another to lie to my children, seriously I'd be ashamed. Can't tell you how many times we haven't been invited to something or invited at the last minute cause oopps we were forgotten about. How many times my children weren't invited or even thought of when everyone else was. They are amazing kids, such a joy to be around and it's your loss. Let me guess what your saying ... Oh but you have tried. Seriously a half assed effort ... Please just don't even waste the time. When our children don't even know you let alone ask about you, it's just sad. They see people who aren't even family at least once a week people who live 45 plus mins away sometimes even more . I won't even post how close those who don't care live to us. I could go on- prob for days but nothing I could say would be nice. The ties have been cut. Last chances were given and apparently meant nothing. We have to protect our children- it's just sad when its from your own family.




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Breath

I need a big sigh of relief, from what? Anymore I have no idea. It's not anxiety but it feels a bit that way, maybe overwhelmed..... With feelings, emotions, irritability , life! Maybe lack of control, control in what's happening around me, control of the future and even of the past.I have always been a go with the flow kind of person, suddenly I feel the need to plan. To be busy all the time, have a packed schedule of important things to do. Maybe my subconscious needs to run away for a bit. I can't control the behavior of people around me, the struggle of our "war at home" with PTSD and a TBI is my least control of all. the exhausting fight to keep my life, my love my whole world standing and complete as best I can. The tiresome role of filling the gaps from lack of care and sincere effort from people who "should" be such a vital and important role in my children's lives. It seems so endless anymore, and of course so much I'm sure I over think , over imagine, and over feel. Yet what do I do with the feelings, I bottle them and I feel worse, imploding, numb to the world. Almost heartless in a sense. I find I've delt with so many blows that my "give a damn button" has been glued, duck taped and nailed in the off switch. I've lost myself in a way, the overly caring, tender hearted, determined to be friends with the world self.

      If I choose to voice my feelings people are offended , defensive, judgmental, and I'm left feeling even worse then when I started. Hmm maybe I do still care in there somewhere. Will this always be my life? Always struggling with myself and everything around me? Always fighting the multiple personalities of the PTSD and TBI our family fights with. The door to our home, to our lives has always been open till recently. We have had to cut ties once and for all with people who continue to throw our family under the bus. Our "war at home" I fight alone . I have no support or help from outside. I do have a few people, ones who truly understand what we go through on a daily basis, but they also understand that even though they know and get it , it doesn't make it any easier. I feel family specific people should be here in every way shape and form. I have resentment in a way because I shouldn't have to face this alone and my kids are sheltered from it as much as possible.

      I LOVE my life..... The life that involves my children, my career, my home and everything to go with it. I just HATE the fight I give to keep it that way. I've never felt strong but I step back and know I'd have to be to keep going at this everyday. At the end of the day I'm left feeling hopeless and then I wake to my children's beautiful faces and I'm able to start again. The outpouring of genuine care from so many people who have recently become like family has been amazing- overwhelming and I honestly have no idea how to accept it. I get upset and tend to open my mouth and then regret it afterwards. It's so appreciated but almost embarrassing to be given the sincerity and caring. I'm rambling and most likely lost my point as my blogs usually go! So I'm  taking a deep breath, today has been a good day and I can cling to the hope that we will have more and more good days .That our lives will be full of those who truly care and someday I'll find my way again or learn to just go with it! :)