Breath

I need a big sigh of relief, from what? Anymore I have no idea. It's not anxiety but it feels a bit that way, maybe overwhelmed..... With feelings, emotions, irritability , life! Maybe lack of control, control in what's happening around me, control of the future and even of the past.I have always been a go with the flow kind of person, suddenly I feel the need to plan. To be busy all the time, have a packed schedule of important things to do. Maybe my subconscious needs to run away for a bit. I can't control the behavior of people around me, the struggle of our "war at home" with PTSD and a TBI is my least control of all. the exhausting fight to keep my life, my love my whole world standing and complete as best I can. The tiresome role of filling the gaps from lack of care and sincere effort from people who "should" be such a vital and important role in my children's lives. It seems so endless anymore, and of course so much I'm sure I over think , over imagine, and over feel. Yet what do I do with the feelings, I bottle them and I feel worse, imploding, numb to the world. Almost heartless in a sense. I find I've delt with so many blows that my "give a damn button" has been glued, duck taped and nailed in the off switch. I've lost myself in a way, the overly caring, tender hearted, determined to be friends with the world self.

      If I choose to voice my feelings people are offended , defensive, judgmental, and I'm left feeling even worse then when I started. Hmm maybe I do still care in there somewhere. Will this always be my life? Always struggling with myself and everything around me? Always fighting the multiple personalities of the PTSD and TBI our family fights with. The door to our home, to our lives has always been open till recently. We have had to cut ties once and for all with people who continue to throw our family under the bus. Our "war at home" I fight alone . I have no support or help from outside. I do have a few people, ones who truly understand what we go through on a daily basis, but they also understand that even though they know and get it , it doesn't make it any easier. I feel family specific people should be here in every way shape and form. I have resentment in a way because I shouldn't have to face this alone and my kids are sheltered from it as much as possible.

      I LOVE my life..... The life that involves my children, my career, my home and everything to go with it. I just HATE the fight I give to keep it that way. I've never felt strong but I step back and know I'd have to be to keep going at this everyday. At the end of the day I'm left feeling hopeless and then I wake to my children's beautiful faces and I'm able to start again. The outpouring of genuine care from so many people who have recently become like family has been amazing- overwhelming and I honestly have no idea how to accept it. I get upset and tend to open my mouth and then regret it afterwards. It's so appreciated but almost embarrassing to be given the sincerity and caring. I'm rambling and most likely lost my point as my blogs usually go! So I'm  taking a deep breath, today has been a good day and I can cling to the hope that we will have more and more good days .That our lives will be full of those who truly care and someday I'll find my way again or learn to just go with it! :)